The greatest visionary in the world
Image generated with Midjourney.
It’s satire. It’s a love letter. It’s a light roast with notes of disruption.
Meet Everest Kale, the visionary behind KNOWN2MAN—a product designed to solve every problem known to man in just six weeks. What could possibly go wrong?
***
It began, as so many great products do, with a back of the napkin sketch in a trendy speakeasy while sipping heavily marketed bourbon of questionable provenance. Setting down his glass of artisanal underwhelm, Everest Kale, the fearless visionary, asked a burning question aloud: “Why not solve every problem known to man?”
The question startled Chief Engineer Dev Einhorn, who had just been sitting down to code while they had some quiet time on a work trip. Veronica Braverton, Project Manager and Everest’s other companion, barely flinched. She was used to his outbreaks of visionary turbulence. As his companions watched with mild apprehension, Everest scribbled on his napkin, muttering “Yes, yes, yes. Simon Sinek–YES.”
After a few furious seconds, he held up the napkin like someone who’d just discovered the last living white rhino—and immediately taken a selfie with it.
His companions leaned in. The napkin said:
KNOWN2MAN
Veronica cleared her throat. “That’s great, Ev. Really disruptive. Can I pull on that thread for a minute? What exactly is KNOWN2MAN?”
Everest looked at Veronica, and then to Dev. “We don’t need to explain it, Veronica. The vision explains itself. Users will experience it in their latent consciousness. But fine, let me 101 this for you. It’s like Rumi rewrote Microsoft’s Azure cloud platform while microdosing shrooms. Mic drop.” He beamed.
Seeing their confused faces, Everest played his ace, “We’re going to solve every problem known to man.”
Some would have taken the ensuing silence for concern. Not Everest Kale, the man who once earnestly tried to trademark the word ‘synergy’ until the U.S. Patent Office sent him a cease and desist.
“I can see the paradigm disruption has left you speechless. Exactly where I want you! Let’s spitball this back at the office.” And with a flutter of his leatherbound journal, he was off, leaving Dev and Veronica to ponder what had just happened.
But no matter how deeply they considered, they could not have foreseen the spectacular series of events that had just been set in motion.
KNOWN2MAN
The next day started like any other day at the worldwide headquarters of Kale Corporation Holdings International Partners (Kale CHIP for short). As Veronica started clearing the whiteboard from Everest’s last project – a well-intentioned but unsuccessful attempt to redesign democracy in a weekend jam session – she contemplated the new project. It was ambitious, which was what attracted her to working at Kale CHIP in the first place. With some thoughtful metaphor pruning, it could be done. KNOWN2MAN needed 10 full-time team members, at least 2 Gantt charts, and definitely, positively a new name.
Dev was just sitting down to code when Veronica breezed in. “So the project…”
Dev glanced up. “You can’t make yourself say the name, can you?”
Veronica: “Do you want to bet how many Slack handles we go through this quarter?”
Dev: “Over-under is five. I’m taking the over.”
Just then, Everest rolled in.
“Ahh, Veronica, my exalted right-hand woman. How’s Waffles? Here, I got him an organic chew toy made of yak’s milk from my Himalayan retreat last month.”
Veronica held the treat gingerly. “Thanks, Ev, that’s really thoughtful of you. A couple of things. That potential investor we’ve been chasing called back and they want to talk to the CEO–”
“Veronica, I’ve told you repeatedly that I’m not a CEO. We’re all on equal footing here. You can refer to me as a ‘Visioneering Architect.’”
“Ok, got it. But can you call her back? And secondly, about the new project–”
“You mean KNOWN2MAN?” Everest’s eyes gleamed with delight.
“Yes, that one. We’ve been thinking that perhaps we should do a study on the best name. You know, to make sure it resonates. And hear me out, possibly it should not be all caps if it isn’t an acronym.”
“The name is the name, Veronica. It’s agile synergies of purpose. It’s the fundamental ethos. It’s the fullest expression of the language of the dreamscape of the species. By the way, minor pivot, I’ve hired an accountant to run operations - you know, for efficiency. We’re eliminating the UX department and mice. We’re calling it pointer minimalism. Did you know that clicking wastes an average of .3 seconds? Also, please have the team remove all the backspace keys from the keyboards. Regret is for losers and gluten eaters. Regret-free input is the future. Oh, and did you know that some of Google’s engineers sleep at the office? Is there a way you can make that happen? Maybe bring in bunk beds? We’re launching KNOWN2MAN in 6 weeks!”
Veronica’s eyebrows shot up. “Six weeks? That’s aggressive. Some might even say impossible.”
Everest patted her on the shoulder. “That’s why we have you, Veronica.”
She gave Dev a quick sideways glance. “And, about firing the UX team–”
“UX is a crutch, Veronica. If the vision is strong enough, you don’t need an ‘experience’. Or QA for that matter. They will just slow us down. The disruption IS the experience. The vision IS the quality. The revolution doesn’t wait. You’ll see.” Looking at the determined set of his jaw, Veronica knew she needed to retreat and plan a new strategy.
Later that morning, Dev was just sitting down to code when an emergency all-team Slack huddle invitation came in from Everest.
“My brave Team Kale CHIP, we have a new mission from this day forward. We are going to solve every problem known to man with our new product, KNOWN2MAN. And we’re going to do it in 6 weeks! Veronica will share the details. I’ll be out of pocket at the Failing Forward conference for the next week, but I know Dev and Veronica have it. Are there any questions?”
One of the junior engineers, Lucy, piped up. “Can you tell us a little bit about the API strategy for this project?”
Dev came off mute. “It’s early, but, I’m thinking microservices with a service bus–”
Everest cut in. “The API strategy is Deepak Chopra meets Dropbox, you know? It’s flowing and moving, it’s bits and bytes, it’s bold and deep but also an empty vessel. You guys are gonna nail it. I’ll check in while I’m at the conference, and remember to remove those backspace keys. Oh, and change my Slack handle to Kale-X, would you? Namaste.” And he hung up, leaving his team to begin their mouseless sprint.
Failing Forward
With Everest gone, the team got to work making cards and creating the infrastructure for KNOWN2MAN. Dev was just getting into flow state when the notification for a team-wide message from Everest (the sounds of trumpets) dinged.
@Kale-X: Team – great news. I’m at this Failing Forward conference and it’s amazing, all you have to do is fail, and you succeed. Mark Cuban says you only have to be right once. Like you disrupt the very schema of disruption by failing and in doing so you succeed at failing but also at succeeding. So, what we need to do now is fail. I want to pare down the feature list, immediately. Let’s just do the top 25 things. Actually… zero. Like a bold statement of absence. Negative feature set. Absence as presence. Clean minimalism, but without anything there. It’s called black hole chic.
@DevEinhorn: Everest, I don’t think we can do 0 features. It has to have some features. What do you want us to build? What’s the experience?
@Slackbot: The word ‘experience’ is banned per directive of Kale-X.
@Kale-X: My golden team, that’s what I have you for! Just, figure it out. Oh, and can someone change my Slack handle to Kale-Fail? You’re the best. Kale-Fail out.
Dev took a deep breath and looked at the team that had quietly assembled in their office. “Well team, we might have a shot at this. Let’s figure out what to build that might actually solve some problems.”
Over the next 7 days, the team pared down the feature list to the most critical features for launch and got to work. With the UX team gone, no mice and no backspace keys, screens were ugly and haphazard, but the functions were taking shape. Due to the tight schedule, they had the first QA release, and as predicted, it was pretty bad. Everest was not pleased. “When I said fail, I meant fail in a winning way, not in a failing way. Winning failure. The good kind. Look it up.” He stormed out.
Dev was just about to solve an important bug, when Veronica came in. Everest was holed up in his office since the QA release, racked by fears of failure. “What do we do?” She asked. “I mean, it’s been nice having space to do our own thing but if I’m being honest, I kind of miss his courageous squirrel energy. And we do need vision.”
Dev was thoughtful. “He just needs to believe that failure isn’t permanent. That it’s a step on the road. Why don’t we get him that book about Michael Jordan?”
And so it was that a few hours later, the Michael Jordan audiobook was anonymously gifted to Everest’s account. The results of that action reverberate in the halls of Kale CHIP history.
Winning Instincts
The following Monday, Everest bounced in wearing a throwback MJ jersey and Air Jordan 1 High ‘85s with a nerf basketball hoop under his arm.
“Team, failing is over. It’s behind us. Now we win. Winning is the new failing. But better because it’s not failing, it’s winning. To that end, I am going to personally shoot 1000 shots in this hoop per day, to prove that winning is within reach. Oh, and can someone change my Slack handle to AirKale? Dev, hit me!” and he threw the nerf ball to Dev, who caught it nervously.
“Hit me for the alleyoop!” Everest cried when Dev hesitated. Dev halfheartedly tossed him the ball, which Everest caught too low.
“That’s okay, we’ll get it.” said Everest, and disappeared into his office. For the rest of the day, the only sound from his office was the periodic soft thunk of a nerf ball hitting the door.
Around 3pm, a message came in on Slack.
@AirKale: 1000 shots done! We’ve got this team. AirKale out.
A few seconds later. @AirKale: Oh, I’ve gifted you all replica championship rings. They are in the break room. Please wear them to standups. Remote team members, I guess, draw one on your finger or something. Dream Teeeeeeam in the house!
Dev was just getting the debugger going when Veronica walked in.
“Now’s our moment. He’s distracted with this whole Michael Jordan thing. We could actually make this work for him. And I really want to make it work for him. Remember when he got all teary about that analogy Bill made about buttons and togetherness at the last team-building day? Underneath all the chaos and metaphors, he really cares.”
Dev smiled. “I know just what to do. Leave it to me.”
A few minutes later, a new avatar appeared in the project-KNOWN2MAN Slack channel. @JSON Bourne had made his debut. JSON Bourne has no profile pic or contact information. His bio simply reads “Present.”
@JSONBourne: I was activated for one reason. Prevent friction. Eliminate hesitation. Optimize flows.
The users don’t know I’m here. That’s the point. They erased UX. Thought that would stop me.
But every click leaves a pattern. Every scroll exposes intent.
@DevEinhorn: JSON, that’s great, glad you’re here. We have an aggressive vision: to solve all problems known to man. We have 4.5 weeks. We have Gantt charts. We have cards. But we need you and your expertise.
@JSONBourne: You have a lot of things. What you don’t have is a connection with the user. That’s why I’m here. I work fast and I get the job done. Quietly. You may not agree with my methods. I suggest you don’t ask questions. Your CTAs are weak. Your navigation inconsistent. But worst of all, you have no emotional spark. You call this a product? It couldn’t convert its way out of a paper bag. I can fix it. No one has to know. But you have to listen to me and follow my instructions precisely.
You couldn’t hear him, but if you could, it would sound like a bag of gravel in a linen shirt whispering Voltaire quotes about neubrutalism.
The team was captivated.
@DevEinhorn: I’ll clear my schedule right now. Whatever you need.
Cuban Links
While Dev, Veronica, JSON Bourne, and the rest of the team were busy creating a captivating product, Everest had set his sights on a goal even bigger than solving every problem known to man: securing top-tier investors.
Sure, that first big-name investor had balked when Everest insisted they skip the demo entirely. “The product shouldn’t need to be demonstrated. If you understand the vision, you’ll understand the product. Seeing the product creates unnecessary visual bias.” She didn’t return any further emails.
Undeterred, Everest strode into Dev’s office just as Dev was sitting down to map out the database. He unrolled a large piece of butcher paper labeled Strategic Partnership Funnel.
“We don’t need warm intros. We need warm presence. We need Mark Cuban. Courtside is where deal flow happens. Energy transfers. I will manifest this partnership directly into his personal space, Dev. The universe will do the rest.”
“Everest, I’m not sure you should be doing anything in Mark Cuban’s personal space. And are you sure we’re ready? The last demo wasn’t exactly impressive.”
“Nonsense, Dev. Quit being a necktie. I’m simply bringing the deal to his natural habitat. He owns a basketball team. I love basketball. He funds startups. I have a startup. The synergies will flow dynamically. Oh, and I got you a treat. It’s organic mushroom jerky. Full of macronutrients. Stimulates the energy flow in the body.”
“Wow, thanks Everest. You didn’t need to do that.”
“Call me the VC Whisperer. Actually, that’s a really solid Slack handle. Can you get that changed for me? You’re the best.”
A couple of nights and several awkwardly pulled strings later, Everest was excitedly shifting in his courtside seat at the Mavericks game. His moment came in the second quarter, when Cuban appeared in the seat next to him.
Everest leaned toward Cuban, inching dangerously close to what most would consider acceptable billionaire proximity.
“Mark. Huge fan. Just a moment of your vibration. We’ve built something. Known2Man. Solving every problem known to man.””
Cuban kept his eyes on the court. “That’s a lot of problems.”
“Yes, well, we’ve redefined the vision a bit. I call it the empatho-technosphere. Black hole chic. Pointer minimalism. Regret-fee inputs. The fullest expression of the dreamscape of the species, with a minimal UI. Feature absence as feature presence. Pre-MVP. Pre-revenue. Pre-functionality. Pre-cognitive. But post-smart-fridge. You get it.” Everest could feel his palms sweating. The team was counting on him. It all came down to this.
“Buddy.” Cuban finally glanced at him. “You hear that? That’s 20,000 people watching Luka hit a three. That’s what product-market fit sounds like. You sure this is your moment?”
Everest swallowed. “I think this has to be my moment.”
He pulled out his phone with a bit more force than necessary, and loaded the home page of the site. It was…nothing like he remembered. Panic took over.
And yet, now it was Cuban who was leaning in. It was clean, yet with personality. Flowing logically. Aesthetic and inviting. “That’s a pretty good CTA,” said Cuban. “I’d convert. Call me tomorrow.”
The Eagle Lands
Back at Kale CHIP worldwide headquarters, Everest was effervescent.
“It was just, you had to be there man. The vibes were vibing, the flow was flowing, and Cuban was so into what we built. In fact, I’m really coming around to this ‘take time and do it right’ thing. That website is freaking beautiful.”
Veronica looked at him with a small smile. “Really? That’s awesome, Ev, because I was thinking we could back UX. Do some user interviews. Really polish it for launch.”
“Yes, yes that’s great. Love where your head is at. Can we have that done by tomorrow? I told Cuban we were livestreaming the launch on LinkedIn tomorrow.”
Dev, who had just been sitting down to review some code, popped out of their office. “Couple quick things, Everest. First of all, you can’t livestream on LinkedIn. We’ve talked about this. The platform doesn’t support it and just because there’s an API doesn’t mean we ‘make it work’ and do whatever we want. That’s called hacking. And secondly, the product is nowhere near ready. It doesn’t actually work yet. We’re 2 weeks into an already ridiculously tight 6 week timeframe to solve all of the world’s problems. All we have is a sweet home page and that feel-good Easter egg that JSON Bourne designed.”
Everest considered what Dev said for 2.4 seconds.
“No worries, my friend! The universe is on our side. The vibes are vibing. The paradigm is shifting and we are riding the wave of synergies into the future of our dreams–”
“I’m serious, Everest. You can’t do this. We’ll quit.”
Lead QA Engineer Pip Paprikash also peeked out of his office. “Everest, I second that. We have 3 of 547 test cases passing. We don’t even know how to validate ‘user rage transmutation’ as a deliverable. It’s not even a Jira issue type. We looked. The product isn’t ready.”
“Say it, Pip.”
“Say what?”
“The product’s name. Say it.”
“I don’t want to, Everest. The name doesn’t make any sense. Why is it in all caps?”
“Say it.
“Fine. KNOWN2MAN isn’t ready. You can’t launch tomorrow. Or QA and Engineering quit.”
Veronica jumped in. “Project Management too.”
Everest twisted the hunk of brass on his hand. “Guys, look at your championship rings. Do we really want to break up the Dream Team like this?”
He grinned at them benevolently. “I tell you what, we’ll bring back mice.”
Dev, Veronica and Pip looked at each other for a long moment and slowly nodded.
Pip spoke up. “Okay. But we want Logitech mice. Not those feeble Amazon Basics ones you tried to give us last time.”
Everest beamed. “Consider it done. Anything for my Dream Team!”
Dev looked at the team and flexed his wrists. “Well, guys, we’ve got a product to launch.”
The moment of truth
The next day dawned full of promise. Birds chirped, the sun shined, and the air smelled of cold brew and ambition.
The team gathered nervously in the break room, watching the live stream on Twitch.
It was, objectively, a mess.
Half the features were hidden because they didn’t work yet. The payment gateway wasn’t connected. Instead of donut charts on the analytics page, there were pictures of actual donuts.
But then… something unexpected started trending.
One key feature worked. A user posted a clip of the tiny animated corgi—the secret Easter egg JSON Bourne had quietly slipped into the app.
The corgi didn’t do anything impressive. It just waddled across the screen and did a little happy spin when users completed the one functioning important task. But people loved it.
"10/10 for emotional support corgi."
"I forgave all the bugs after the little guy did his spin."
"Honestly? This is the most human tech experience I’ve had all year, and it’s with a dog."
Within hours, downloads surged. Influencers were calling it “raw and authentic.” The press called it “disruptively broken but charming.” Investors called it “traction.”
Cuban tweeted a single word: “Invested.”
The junior engineer Lucy dunked in the nerf hoop.
Everest stood behind the team, radiant. “We did it, my fearless Dream Team, we did it. You did it. Doing one thing disruptively well is how we succeed. One feature, frictionless flow, infinite upside. Emotional connection as the conversion engine. Experience as the vision. This was always the roadmap.”
Veronica glanced sideways at Dev and winked. Neither corrected him.
KNOWN2MAN, a product founded to solve everything, finally succeeded by solving one thing well—and caring that it worked for humans. And somewhere, in a secret location, behind a dark mode screen no one would ever see, JSONBourne smiled through mirrored sunglasses. The mission was complete. For now.